月亮小天使

DAY 11

余亮這個名字, 是他爸爸在他只得六週那時改的, 他爸爸說希望他將來可以擁有周瑜和諸葛亮的智慧, 燦爛人生. 料不到最後卻變了燃亮了我的人生. 越接近要做手術的日子, 心裡千萬個不捨得. 那天簽手術同意書時, 我哭著問醫生, 他已成人形, 殺死他會否令他很痛楚. 我無法想像一個健康的小孩被生生殺死, 何況是自己的孩子. 世上肯定沒有一個媽媽會讓自己的孩子去受這種痛苦, 如果可以選擇, 我一定會代他去承受…….

我前後共見了超過十個醫生, 他們都安慰我說我是幸運兒. 要不是及早發現, 很大機會便一屍兩命. 家族暫未有發現此症但偏偏在我身上出現了, 即使之前做足產前檢查亦不能輕易發現, 必須經過如此深入的檢查才知道, 而且現在亦要等手術後化驗才知道真正原因. 所以這次是BB救了我的生命. 在這兩個月我先後看過四個婦產科的私家醫生, 但之前的三個亦沒有發現到我的心跳不正常, 或者他們都focus了在我作小產的情況看看BB是否穩定. 只有最後的李秀年醫生, 是她幫我檢查身體時發現了我的心跳雜聲異常便寫轉介信建議我去看心臟專科. 幾個心臟專科醫生也說, 其實平時我傷風感冒去看家庭醫生時根本不難發現我的心跳雜聲, 但估計因為我太年青而令他們忽略了問題的嚴重性. 所以亮仔絕對是我的小天使, 要不是懷孕, 我或者會一直蒙在鼓裡. 或一天會在報紙看到我突然猝死的新聞.

今年過了一個不一樣的聖誕節…..是我唯一仍可以感受到我的小天使在我身體裡, 我可感受到他的呼吸; 我可感受到他的浮動. 如果他懂得聽我的心聲, 我會對他說:

“請你原諒媽媽. 

我很感激你用你的生命去拯救我的生命, 

即使你要離去,但我會一直愛你, 永不改變的. 

你永遠是媽媽心中的小天使.” 

Mama would love to sing a song for you:

“When I was small, and Christmas trees were tall, we used to love while others used to play. Don't ask me why, but time has passed us by, someone else moved in from far away. Now we are tall, and Christmas trees are small and you don't ask the time of day. But you and I, our love will never die, but guess we'll cry come first of May. The apple tree that grew for you and me, I watched the apples falling one by one. And I recall the moment of them all, the day I kissed your cheek and you were gone. Now we are tall, and Christmas trees are small, and you don't ask the time of day. But you and I, our love will never die, but guess we'll cry come first of May. When I was small, and Christmas trees were tall, do do do do do do do do do...Don't ask me why, but time has passed us by, someone else moved in from far away.”